Scripture Cake

What's the point of this recipe? I think it was invented by some crazy old fundamentalist grandmother to get her grandkids to practice their bible drill. Recipes like this don't bring me closer to God. Instead, they make me wonder how old-time churches ever drew in new converts. Besides being annoying, this recipe makes a dry, blocky "cake" made up mostly of dried fruits and nuts. (Oh...and a "pinch of Leviticus". That's about all the Leviticus I can handle.) Like a fruitcake, but without the charm. Anyway, it'll help you learn your Old Testament.

1 c. Judges 5:25, last clause
4 1/2 c. I Kings 4:22
2 c. Jeremiah 6:20
2 c. Numbers 17:18
2 c. Nahum 3:12
2 c. I Samuel 30:12
2 T. I Samuel 14:13
6 Jeremiah 17:11
1 pinch Leviticus 2:13
1/2 c. Judges 4:19, last clause
2 T. Amos 4:19

Season to taste with II Chronicles 9:9. Mix and blend as you would a fruitcake and bake.

The Awfulness Continues

I love recipes from exotic places. Moroccan tagine, Indian paneer, Vietnamese pho. But how about Monte Carlo? Where, I ask, are the Monte Carloan (Montean Carloan? Monte Carlan? Monte Carloesque?) recipes? WHERE?, I ask you! Where can I find a recipe that uses such native Monte Carlo ingredients as canned pineapple, chili sauce, pimientos, and mayonnaise?
Oh wait! Here! I found it! Authentic Monteana Carloienne cuisine, straight from the source--Ruth Little, in Lubbock, TX.

Monte Carlo Salad (From "Food for Thought", 1989)

Combine 2 T. chili sauce and 3 oz. cream cheese and form into balls about the size of the hole in a pineapple ring. Put a ball into each of 6 slices of pineapple and top with a dollop of mayonnaise. Garnish with truffle slices and pimiento.

I think I finally figured out what this dish has to do with Monte Carlo. My thoughts: The author made this monstrosity and thought, 'Hmmm......it's so good, but what to name it?' So she found a truffle left over in the fridge (we all have leftover truffles sitting in our refrigerators--admit it) and decided that if she made this plate of awfulness prohibitively expensive in relation to the flavor payoff, it would be like going to the casino in....drum roll please......MONTE CARLO! There. Now you know.

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I've tried unsuccessfully to find information regarding the activities of the lemon lobby in 1960s America. Somebody had to be behind all of these awful recipes using lemon jello, lemon ice cream, lemon you-name-it as a base for salads/sauces/etc. Anyhoo--if you're having issues with Montezuma's revenge, the recipe below is sure to plug you up. Or, at the very least, make you vomit, which might take your mind off...ermm.....the other end.

Lemon/Blue Cheese Ice (The recipe, from a 1969 Betty Crocker Cookbook, says this is to be served with meats.)

Mix 1 pint lemon sherbet with 1/2 c. crumbled blue cheese. If your meat was rotted or diseased prior to cooking, this is sure to improve it. Otherwise, you're on your own.

Top Ten Awful Church Supper Disaster Names

I'll admit it. Some church supper foods are really outstanding. But even some of the excellent ones have names that make you think, "Gee. I should have stayed home and eaten leftover tongue in aspic." Here are my top ten awful-sounding church supper disaster names. (If you have any from your collection, send them along. I'd love to expand this list!)

1) Whatizit? Dinner (ground beef, soup mix, instant rice, water, onion)

2) YumYum (ground beef, canned soups, canned "Chinese" vegetables, chow mein noodles)

3) Haggard Cake (Nothing says yummy like a word meaning "having a gaunt, wasted, or exhausted appearance".)

4) Mystery Pie (Call me crazy, but I generally like to know what's in my pie before I eat it.)

5) Gelatin Poke Cake (mmmm........poke that gelatin.......poke it good.....)

6) Glop (some sort of chili concoction using an entire box of Velveeta cheese)

7) Weiner Tacos (no comment necessary)

8) Bourism Fromage (Roughly translated: Cheese afflicted with a bad case of the bourism)

9) Yankee Noodle Dandy (distant cousin of God Bless the U.S.Eggs.)

10) Okay Meatloaf (Here's my meatloaf. It's not good....but....meh.....it's okay.)

Honorable Mention: Chocolate Ting-A-Lings (I'm going to ignore the blatant racism in this title. The recipe calls for chocolate chips, peanuts, and chow mein noodles. Hence the "ting-a-ling". Because....you know....that's how all Asians talk.)

Honorable Mention: I-Hate-to-Cook Baked Chicken (Don't worry, Hazel. We hate-to-eat your food, too.)

BRIDE'S SALAD

Jell-O? Or cat vomit? You decide!

Today's recipe, from the Christmas Memories cookbook of the Roebuck Park Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama, is for a little jellied concoction called Bride's Salad. If my wife had made this for me on our honeymoon, an annulment would have been inevitable.

And why the heck do old people put mayonnaise in EVERYTHING? I don't even like mayo on sandwiches, much less mixed with artificially flavored limey sugar-water jelly. What kind of friggin' geniuses come up with this stuff? How poor are they that they need to stretch their Jell-O budget with whatever happens to be in the fridge?

In other news: I have a large cookbook collection, but I need help if all y'alls want this adventure to continue. Send your recipe submissions (with pics, if possible!) to churchsupperdisasters@hotmail.com!

1 small pkg. lime gelatin
1 c. crushed pineapple
1 c. shredded Cheddar cheese
1 c. nuts
3/4 c. mayonnaise

Prepare gelatin according to package directions. Refrigerate. When gelatin is partially congealed, add pineapple, cheese, nuts, and mayonnaise. Mix well. Pour into serving bowl. Top with whipped cream, if desired.

A Hot (Cold?) Mess

Pineapple Salad (from the Monett, MO Centennial Cookbook)

1/4 lb. Velveeta, cubed
2 T. flour
1/2 c. sugar
2 eggs, beaten
20-oz. can chunk pineapple

Drain pineapple. Pour juice in saucepan, add flour, sugar, and eggs. Cook over low heat till thickened. Place pineapple and cheese in bowl, pour hot juice over and stir lightly until cheese melts. When cool, refrigerate.

I have to admit, this didn't sound 100% revolting until I read the last sentence of the recipe. My mother used to make a pineapple-cheddar cheese bake that I have eaten and like. (Although if someone else moderated this page, it would probably make a top-ten list of Church Supper Disasters.)

What makes this particular recipe a disaster, though, is the refrigeration of the goop. Just imagine--Velveeta "cheese food", melted, rehardened, and eaten with fruit. It's just offensive. Put that little image in your brain and try to sleep tonight. You're welcome.

Dear Lester,

I know you had a long day at work and just picked up the kids at day care, so I fixed dinner.

I've been having an affair with Maury Povich. It's been going on for some time. We meet each day at 3:00 and test his friends for DNA matches. It's very exciting, really. A lot more exciting than you.

Anyway....dinner's in the oven. Spam Casserole. I couldn't find anything good, so I just threw some canned crap together out of the pantry and baked it.

Enjoy. I'm going to bed.

--Velma

SPAM CASSEROLE (from the Centennial Cookbook, Purdy, MO)

Cook 1 pkg. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, using 3/4 c. milk instead of 1/4 c. Add 1 can peas, drained, and 1 can cream of celery soup. Top with 1 can Spam, diced.

Bake.

A Disgusting Start to a Revolting Adventure

Two awesome disasters for your enjoyment.

CORNED BEEF SALAD MOLD

Really? Do I need to even put the recipe? I mean...what the...? This winner from the Bush Family Cookbook (no, not those Bushes) combines canned corned beef, lemon Jell-O, and mayonnaise into a slimy, gritty mass of molded puke. I like how the hard-boiled eggs are "optional". Why does it matter? The "optional" implies that people actually eat this stuff, and have decisions to make while making it. "Yeah, I know, Irene. Let's see how much stinky crap we can cram into this one bundt mold. That'll be FUN!!!!"

1 (6 oz.) pkg. lemon flavored gelatin
1 3/4 c. boiling water
1 (12 oz.) can corned beef
1 c. finely chopped celery
1/4 c. finely chopped onion
2 T. finely chopped green pepper
2 hard cooked eggs, chopped (optional)
1 c. mayonnaise or salad dressing
Lettuce
Tomato wedges, carrot sticks, egg slices, pickles, olives, parsley (All these garnishes must be here just to cover up the nasty Jell-O.)

Dissolve gelatin in boiling water; cool. Combine corned beef, chopped vegetables, chopped eggs, and mayonnaise; stir into gelatin mixture. Spoon into a pan (or molds); chill until firm.

Cut into squares, and serve on lettuce, garnished with (here we go again) tomato, carrots, egg, pickles, olives, and parsley. Serves 8 to 10.


CHILI ALA FRIGIDAIRE

This disaster comes from a 1930s pamphlet from the Frigidaire company. It's awful for many reasons, not the least of which is that some genius thought it would be cool to use an entire bottle of ketchup as the sole "seasoning". Okay, so the Depression was in full force when this was printed. But if I had the choice between this crap or eliminating chili from my diet, it'd be an easy decision.

2 lbs. ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
1 large bottle ketchup

Brown beef and onion, add ketchup, and simmer.


Okay, I've gotta go puke now. See you tomorrow.